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Givnology Wellness Arts
May you find yourself in the world…and may you enjoy the company!
This week's contest, suggested by nonstop contest-suggester Peter Metrinko of Plymouth, Minn.: Make a pun or similar wordplay on a book title, as in the examples above. Groaners are fine, as in the examples...

So what was the highlight of your South Pacific vacation?

Guadalcanal diarrhea.

What do you call it when you don't appreciate the value of money?

Cents insensibility...


Third Runner-Up: Apiary:An apartment shared by three bachelors.

Second Runner-Up: Registry: To give your final answer. (Ry Schwark, West Linn, Ore.)

First Runner-Up, winner of the "Mona Lisa" paint-by-numbers set: Juggernaut: A flat-chested woman. (Maja Keech, New Carrollton)

And the winner of the Inker: Gypsum: The primary ingredient in car undercoating. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

A Dictionary of Honorable Mentions:

Abed: Defeated in a debate. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Alleviate: When you realize there isn't a word for it on the tip of your tongue, you invent a neologism. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

Asinine: Seven of Nine's ex-husband. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Asinine: An almost perfect derriere. (Robin D. Grove, Chevy Chase)

Aspic: Vote. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill)

Bedpan: To have an affair with a man who never grew up. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Bordello: A lackadaisical greeting by service industry workers. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Bouffant: The typeface used for subtitles in foreign horror films. (Dan Blitz, Gaithersburg)

Butter: More callipygian. (Tom Witte)

Castigate: The bass-fishing tournament scandal. (Richard Lempert, Arlington)

Cowl: What a 3-year-old sings at Christmas. (Dan Blitz)

Crocodiles: Calls from telemarketers. (Andrea Kelly, Brookeville)

Curvaceous: Built to bring the dog out in a man. (Tom Witte)

Define: To lose one's looks. (Tom Witte)

Destroy: De tale of a dyslexic. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Diadem: To remain a staunch liberal all your life. (Tom Witte)

Downplay: To pillow-fight. (Kyle Hendrickson, Dunkirk)

Dubious: A cigarette that looks suspiciously like a joint. (Chris Doyle)

Effusive: Given to torrents of vulgarity. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)

Empress: Use a phony title to increase one's self-esteem. (Stephen Litterst, Ithaca, N.Y.)

Encounter: The guy at the FCC whose job is to tally racial slurs made by shock jocks. (Tom Witte)

Epoxy: Infected with a computer virus. (Greg Arnold, Herndon)

Erosion: An atomic particle that charges sexual desire. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

Exit: The person who's just tagged someone. (Russell Beland)

Filibuster: A breast-implant surgeon. (T.L. Vernon, Verona, Va.)

Flaccid: A Spaniard who walks with a limp. (Stephen Dudzik)

Flatulent: A rental property. (Tom Witte)

Fly-casting: Throwing out allure by ogling a man's rod and reel. (Chris Doyle)

Forlorn: The feeling when you realize that "Saturday Night Live" isn't very funny anymore. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.)

Frijoles: A church without a collection plate. (Russell Beland)

Fuchsia: Flowery language used on the Senate floor. (John O'Byrne, Dublin)

Gambling: An ankle bracelet. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)

Gauche: What librarians do. (Sara St. Thomas, Winchester, Va.)

Hardscrabble: The all-consonant version. (Chuck Smith)

Homogeneous: Oscar Wilde. (Chuck Smith)

Hundred: Fear of Baltimore waitresses. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown)

Incandescent: Going over the falls in a barrel. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

Infantry: Boys being boys. (Tom Witte)

Infest: A West Virginia wedding reception. (Ned Bent)

Lumbago: An RV made of wood. (Russell Beland)

Macadam: The prototype Apple computer. (Tom Witte)

Meander: A lovers' stroll. (Seth Brown)

Paparazzo: What Dustin Hoffman called his dad in "Midnight Cowboy." (G. Smith, Reston)

Parasites: What one sees from the Eiffel Tower. (Peter Levitan, Sherman Oaks, Calif.)

Pastoral: When you know what your spouse wants without her asking. (Stan Kegel, Orange, Calif.)

Petard: Something that slows the progress of animal rights. (Russell Beland)

Podiatry: Inadequate nutrition. (Dave Prevar)

Predicament: That embarrassing wait for the Viagra to kick in. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

Prescient: A gift from a drunk. (William R. Zamojcin, Vernon, Conn.)

Prestidigitator: Someone with a painfully strong handshake. (Thomas B. Jabine, Washington)

Pshaw: A terse pan of "Pygmalion." (Bill Spencer)

Rampage: Parchment. (Tom Witte)

Relay: Something you and your spouse did every night of your honeymoon, but not on your fifth anniversary. (Thad Humphries, Warrenton)

Rubberneckers: A couple practicing very safe sex. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand)

From: UncleBobsDiner

Coffee (n.) The person upon whom one coughs.

Flabbergasted (adj.) Appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.) To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.) To attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.) Impotent.

Negligent (adj.) Describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.

Lymph (v.) To walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.) Olive-flavoured mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) Emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.) A rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.) A humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.) The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Pokemon (n.) A Rastafarian proctologist.

Oyster (n.) A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand): The belief that, when
you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Circumvent (n.) An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's

Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little
sign of breaking down in the near future.

Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti (n.) Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm (n.) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte (v.) To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis (n.) Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis (n.) A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit)

Karmageddon (n.) It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.) The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you

Glibido (v.) All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Love and *LIGHTNESS*, Teo Do (Re, Mi...) CoolDance CoolDance

Have the heart of a gypsy, and the dedication of a soldier -Beethoven in Beethoven Lives Upstairs


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I am bursting at the seams Teo Laughing Laughing Laughing

Sue Cat Cat2

County Seat, n. the public rest room on the courthouse square. Despite mind-bogglingly (or perhaps bog-mindingly) expensive attempts to render it immune to assault, it has been inoperable much of its history because, as Bob Dylan sang, "the vandals took the handle." If it had a video surveillance camera, that would be vandalized, too.


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